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November
25, 2002 8:45 a.m. |
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rother Goldberg
has recently been whacked by the mighty mitt of Molly Ivins, the famed
Texas columnist, who denounced Jonah for his good-natured comments on
Canada, which included a suggestion that a bit of carpet bombing might
shake that nation from its perpetual slumbers. Molly denounced Jonah as
"some juvenile jerk attacking Canadians as a bunch of wimpy wimps."
Ageism deployed in the cause of tolerance is no vice, it appears.
That Molly would not like Jonah's work is easy to understand. It is well know that the Good Lord placed Molly on this earth so that Anne Richards would have at least some competition in Texas's Yap of the Year competition. What is interesting about her attack, however, is the assumptions it makes about the power of columnists. Molly seems quite mad on the subject, as in nuts.
She believes that Jonah's article actually endangers the U.S./Canada relationship. "Great, just what we need — let's see if we can possibly alienate the best neighbor any country ever had." She must have some very deep alienation issues about that Canadian official's crack that Dubya is a "moron." Or perhaps not.
More to our point, while Jonah's grasp is wide and his prose quite grand, one feels safe in saying that he is in no danger of alienating an entire nation, or even a small part of it. Other columnists might denounce him, or praise him. Canadian newspapers might call up a few likely suspects and squeeze from them an entertaining quote. But people aren't walking around in Canada feeling alienated because of what Jonah wrote, unless they happen to be insane.
The assumption that an opinion piece can alienate a nation shows where Molly's coming from. The nuthouse. She seems to believe, or needs to believe, that column writers have massive influence. She likely believes that ordinary people don't know what to think until Molly, or someone like Molly, tells them what to think.
Molly goes so far as to insist that Jonah's attitude is to blame for Islamic fascism. "In the first place, that kind of arrogance is exactly what creates terrorists." The truth of the matter is of course far more troubling. The terrorists who confront us are not responding to our arrogance, or even our opinion leaders. They are responding to their theology. They have very specific ideas about how life should be lived. Islamic law should rule over every square inch of this earth. There should be no freedom of conscience. There should be no women in cocktail dresses, or men with martinis. Those who don't wish to go along should be killed. That is their program, and they're sticking to it.
One feels safe in assuming that Molly has penned a few denunciations of America's supposed theocrats — Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell prominent among them. So have many of us. The difference between our theocrats and their theocrats is that their theocrats are for real. And how does Molly respond to real theocrats? She insists we placate them by toning down the rhetoric. They don't make Texans like they used to.
The only way we can truly placate Osama bin Laden et al. is to convert to Islam. That would mean, among other things, that Molly would spend the rest of her life dressing in a big black bag and running her copy past a religious constable.
Columnists, like everyone else, like to feel they're important. Some, like Molly, like to believe they steer the world through the stars. Yet columnists are simply part of the entertainment industry. Nothing wrong with that. We need our amusements. But if they make any real trouble it is only for themselves, as when they get caught plagiarizing another columnist or unleashing a bit too much slime.
Garrison Keillor, for example, is currently under attack for columns he wrote after his man, Fritz Mondale, lost the Senate election in Minnesota. Keillor, whose trademark is a gentle folk humor, has exposed himself as a political raver. Keillor called Coleman "a hollow man" and "an empty suit" "who's sold his soul" — which reminds us, first and foremost, that cliché mongering is no sin in the column business.
This column has gotten its author plenty of ink, especially for its insinuations that Coleman is some type of sexual libertine. But the fact is, Coleman's in the U.S. Senate and Keillor's flailing away in his study.
Molly's denunciation of Brother Goldberg began with an interesting observation: "There is a batty degree of triumphalism loose in this country right now." Molly is clearly in the grips of a batty triumphalism, one the Reverends Falwell and Robertson might call pride, and for which in many cases there is no known cure.
— Dave Shiflett is coauthor of Christianity on Trial.